Candidate: So this is the place?
Test administrator: Yup. Come right in and have a seat.
Both men sit down.
Candidate: So how does this work exactly?
Test administrator: Well, I'm going to give you a series of small tests and if you pass you will become a democrat.
Candidate: COOL!
Test administrator: Don't act like a nerd.
Candidate: Sorry.
Awkward silence.
Test administrator: Okay well for our first test I'll just ask you a few simple questions.
Candidate: *Wipes nose on finger and wipes finger on pants* Okay shoot.
Test administrator: Don't make references to guns. Guns kill people. Guns are one of the ultimate evils. They must be taken from the people before they kill again! *Test administrator slides across desk on his stomach and grabs the candidate by the shirt* EVIL!!!!
Candidate: *wipes spit off of face* Okay I won't say that anymore.
Test administrator: *slides back into seat and begins fanning his red face* Good. First question is 'African people are starving to death every day. Why?'
Candidate: Bush.
Test administrator: Good! Next question is 'Who started the first World War?'
Candidate: Too easy. *fakes a yawn* Bush again.
Test administrator: But bush wasn't around then now was he? *smile*
Candidate: He discovered an alternate dimension during his presidency. This led him to be able to control time and space and because of his blood lust he caused all the wars that were ever waged on the face of the earth.
Test administrator: *leans in and in hushed tone* How do you know about that? Er, never mind. On to the next test. Say you see a duck killing an old woman in the park. What do you do?
Candidate: Take out some money and throw it at the woman.
Test administrator: I agree with throwing money at the problem but wouldn't you throw it at the duck? Why the woman?
Candidate: Because she's the problem. Old people need to be killed off to save money so we can throw it at other problems. If we just slaughtered all the old grannies then none of them would be in parks and therefore the duck would not attack them.
Test administrator. Excellent! Okay Bush and Obama are out fishing. A strong wind picks up and both of their hats blow off. Luckily they float on the water. Obama gets out of the boat and walks across the water, gets his hat and walks back to the boat. Bush gets out and walks across the water to get his hat and soon returns to the boat. What do you think of this story?
Candidate: It's just further proof that Obama is the chosen one. Our messiah.
Test administrator: What about Bush? He did the same thing?
Candidate: I never knew he couldn't swim.
Test administrator: You pass!!!!! You are now a democra...
Before the administrator can finish the candidate pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face. The administrator falls to the floor and lies choking in his blood.
Test administrator: Wh...Why did you do that?
Candidate: You're old.
Test administrator: But you'll be thrown in prison.
Candidate: Nope. It's not like I killed you or something. The gun did it, I'm a witness to a murder. Didn't you see me standing here? I was watching and I saw everything. The gun did it.
Test administrator dies. Candidate takes out a cell phone and calls acorn.
Candidate: I need a mess cleaned up. A gun just killed someone.
Cell phone: *muffled words*
Candidate: Yeah! I saw the whole thing. It's called Chicago politics.
Cell phone: *Muffled sounds*
Candidate: No I'm not black!! How dare you!! I'm african American.
Cell phone: *Muffled Sounds*
Candidate: What do you mean? You can only help if I have underage prostitutes on the premises? *long pause* Hold on. *puts acorn on hold and dials Jesse Jackson* Hey Reverend, I need a favor.
Chatboard (12)